November 2013. Status: OK.

Not my room, unfortunately.

No, that's not my room. It's far fetched.

You know how some people would list down their new year's resolutions now that it's drawing near? Well I have mine. But it's not a resolution. It's a prediction. Or rather a newly found penchant.

I think my colour for 2014 would be raspberry. Raspberry and teal. Saw a Guess handbag two nights ago and it was in raspberry. Love it so much I can't simply sleep on the idea of possessing it. Get the bag I must.

There. Random. I know.

Finding Happiness in July

Assalamualaikum readers,

My last entry was way back in February. I know I made a promise (to myself) that I'd put at least an entry per week but what do you know, future has a funny way of manifesting, one stunt at a time...hence the long hiatus.

Skipped 4 months, fast forward to today, I'm no longer with the top 4 university in the country. I have pulled the contract plug (wish I had done that sooner) for good and settled with the top 24 instead. Still bearing the same post, what delight me the most of this shift is for the fact that I'm moving back to my hometown, Kuching. Now isn't that a blessing?

As for my significant other, he's been very supportive and we decided to succumb everything to Allah swt, for He is the Almighty and only He gets to decide the portion of your rezeki, the duration of your jodoh and the finale of your life. Allahuakhbar. I could ask no more from Him for I think my prayer has been answered; I am finally a permanent employee.

I would be lying if I said that things just fall into places the minute I submitted my acceptance letter. No, in fact I was struggling, to this very day. First, just days before I got the precious email from my current registrar, my husband and I moved to a new place, rented still but boy was it homely. I was lucky enough to have it filled with new stuff, courtesy of my parents (told you I was blessed!). Writing this makes me miss the house even more. I only realized that I got so attached to it when during facetime, I asked my husband to capture my living hall and my kitchen and even asked him to open the refrigerator!

And of course, the person I shared the house with... my husband. This year has been turbulent for the both of us, especially now that he's back and forth to JB and KL; with me being ridiculously unhappy at work, suffice to say there were things thrown at my old place, tears were incessantly shed... and the new house somewhat saved my marriage. It amazed me too how routine can bite you in the as* and to put my disorderly relationship back on track was no abc nor 123... It's when we worked on the new house that we found our mojo back and realized we only have each other to love and to hold for now. The relationship department has improved tremendously since then. *wink*

Alhamdulillah, praise to Allah swt... Again and again he saved me. The job offer came in May and I was ecstatic! Just when I thought that things would just keep crumbling down, life has finally shown me some light. I'm constantly adjusting even though I'm in my own home, my very own room. I must admit I'm a little concern that at 33 I'm being pampered by mom to a point that I get to relax after work, unlike in S.Kembangan, where life's pretty much dictated by the wall clock. I'm indeed grateful.

Once in a while, now that I'm here, I miss my former office buddies so much. Even though the old place seemed like fire and brimstone, I treasure the friendships I've made over the years and they could very much be the reason why I stayed that long. And here at my new place, I'm optimistic that I'll find a fun bunch too.

Let's hope that my mantra 'it's always greener on the other side' rings true this time.

At this very second, life has been good, that I can safely say.

Happy quokka 

Exodus

Well,

Hello February. *rub eyes profusely*

It would be so cliché of me to exclaim, "Where have all the time gone?"

But I kid you not, where is it?

Hence, here's a quick update.

I want to blog still. (that's update no.1)

As you can see, that's quite a melancholic title I have for this entry but every fibre of my being screams evacuate!

At 33, I finally feel that I'm stuck in a rut! And I hate it. I feel that there's no way out, I'm constantly asking myself, can I get through the day?

When I self-diagnosed, I discover that, perhaps I'm unhappy.

I simply am not happy.

At work and home. I am struggling.

I don't know if 'running away' is the only best solution as it the only thing that lingered my mind lately.

I want to escape my life but not to start anew but just to take a break.

If ever I'm allowed to just ask myself this, is my life worth living?

Where can I find happiness and actually wanting to live it?

This too shall pass, they said but I feel that mine keeps on coming, overwhelming at times.

As we speak, the emotional stacks kept on piling.

I'm utterly scared that I might lose my composure and just burst.

I think I need help.

Perhaps I should just run.

33 in 2013

Assalamualaikum self,

I know the year 2012 has brought you so much pain and failure that you thought picking yourself up again is almost impossible. But you've just got to do it because life is too short to feel sorry for yourself.

And at 32 you finally became an aunt to your beautiful nieces. Please be grateful.

Here's what you should remind yourself in your 2013 pursuit;

Life is what YOU make of it

Whenever there's hardship, Allah shall provide ease

and that, this too, shall pass.

Happy 33rd Birthday Sabrina!

33 and fabulous!

:::

 ::: 

Letting go is hard to do...

Today, I don't feel like waking up.
For I know that today I have to do something so despicable ever in my adult life.
Even the weather seems mad at me.
But I have no choice and I've exercised my options.
In order to move forward we have to let some things go, even if they're your beloved.

Allah ya rabb, have mercy and do forgive me on my decision. Please release me from the agonizing guilt.
As much as the deed is very wrong, I have to, I must.

My furry friends. Forgive mommy & daddy. We have to let you go.

All 11 of you will be dearly missed.

Ya Allah, give me strength.

Of sauna box and the salesman in disguise

More often than not, when I have so much things to do at a time like handling audit, completing reports, proof editing and etc, I'd naturally resort to blogging. And this entry is one of those. I'm supposed to get 6 translations done today but I'm on medical leave instead. I slept in, like until 4 pm, right after my 9am visit to the private clinic.

Dr Shukor the Horror

Which brought me to this entry. It was an exceptional doctor visit. Simply because for the first time ever, I was humiliated to the core of my being. His name is Dr Shukor of Klinik Fadzliana, at Equine Park. You might ask why was I on an mc? Due to my bad knee, of course. My demanding job required me to man the promotional booth for the past weeks and that somehow had worsen the condition of my knee, or so I thought. Not until I met Dr Shukor.

When I walked in, his first reaction was, "Oooii gemok nya" (Oh my you're so fat!) And at that instance the old me would have slammed the door or even worse threw something at his face, instead I was calm and with poise, sat down next to him and reasoned out.

Then he went on and on and on about me being so fat and heavy for my height and that I am so obese and made my knees cry. And with his hands trace-curving my body he said, 

"Awak ni tengok bahagian kepala bukan main cun tapi tengok badan, aduh hancur, hancur!" (When I look at your face, your beautiful but when I see you in full figure, it's a catastrophe!)

He even took out a calculator to count my BMI and showed me the numbers like centimeters away from my face, and no it doesn't stop there. He slapped his forehead mumbling, again and again, "Gemoknyer, gemoknyer"(So fat, so fat)

Yes, you read that right. You see, I've been told remarks about my obesity but not as harsh as Dr Shukor's words. He was demeaning, almost heartless I would cry but I did't (normally I would) I didn't because I know my knee injury was caused by an accident, not because of my weight and for the fact that I attempted to shed a few kilos by hitting the gym. No one can take that away from me. I have my efforts.

What tickled my ears though was the part when he recommended me to purchase a sauna box. He went on again with the most ridiculous advice, that I should put on 3 layers of clothing during exercise. Then he made a bias remark about me doing saunas in a gym, when he claimed that I'm at sin for showing my aurat to the other women hence I must get this sauna box and just do it at home.

But not all things that came from his mouth were poisonous,  I agreed when he advised me to get to a dietician pronto, as my Richard Gere look alike specialist had recommended initially. Oh well, I'd like to reap the benefit of dieting come Ramadhan. That's soon, no? At the moment, relapsing I may be in the kilos shedding department but I shall not stop trying. That I promise myself.

And you know what's funny? After all that extreme banters and condescending remarks on my body weight, I asked him,

"Mana nak dapat sauna box tu?" (Where can I get the sauna box?)

"Saya ada jual." (I'm selling them)

With that, I rest my case.

Make me mommy

Helloooooooo!

 See that please-pinch-my-cheeks bundle of joy? Oh I wish that's mine. But nope, she's my newborn niece. She's a munchkin. If she were to be a doughnut she'd be a peanut butter jelly. Excuse my gourmand reference to a human being, I can't help it, she's too cute she left me in diabetic coma.

Don't you just love babies? That endless powdery, after-bathe, lily scented smell of theirs would just throw you into bliss intoxication, no?

Just yesterday I put up a status on FB on how everyone seems to be pregnant and I'm happy for them. And I mean it. I'm happy for those who are granted by God to conceive a child and having the opportunity to raise a human being not only with tender, love and care but with full responsibility. Every pregnant couple deserves an applause as they are about to embark on a journey of self fulfillment; the pinnacle of bliss.

As for me the thing I look forward to about raising a child is how I would better myself, physically and soulfully.  Physically because I'd need the energy to care for my child, my husband and my household. Soul betterment as I want my child to look up to me as an idol, an exemplary in every good pursuits in her/his life.

Maybe I sound too ambitious, maybe this extravagant hope of mine has thrown me off the list of being a mom or maybe, it has not yet my rezeki to have one of my won. I much prefer the latter.

Thus, I have never stopped praying. Ceased I have may in the attempt department but the dream to conceive will always be there.

Oh so much for a quiet Thursday evening.


Ya Allah, my creator... please make me mommy. Ameen.